Holding On

I got knocked down again today. Just yesterday I was excited that God was finally going to answer my prayers about my career situation. Don't get me wrong...I have a good job and make a good salary but it's not what God promised and it's not what I really really want. I keep praying to get to the next level and I can't seem to get past the last one. Title-wise...I've taken a step back while salary-wise I'm ahead...strange conundrum. I should be happy right. I'm making more money than I ever have before but when I see the people who are my peers getting promotions and people telling me that titles don't matter...I just get so mad. Mad at myself and mad at God because I just don't get what He wants from me. What do I have to do? Am I asking the wrong questions? If God speaks and I'm listening why are things still the same? Right now, I'm holding on to my faith by the skin of my being. How long is too long to believe? I'm not Job...or Rachel or even Martha. I'm not aiming for Sainthood and I don't claim to want more than God wants me to want. He says that Abundance is mine but each time I turn the answer to my prayer seems to be "no". No to love...no to career...no to security...no to family. I'm so lost and yet I still believe. I wish I knew why? I wish I knew how to make things different. I've been on my knees, on my stomach and on my back. I've cried, held on, let go and let God. I've believed when I didn't know I could believe and more times than I can count I've felt like a fool but still believed. What does God want? How can I continue to expect and believe? Faith is the evidence of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen...does faith mean foolish? I truly hope not.