Holding On

I got knocked down again today. Just yesterday I was excited that God was finally going to answer my prayers about my career situation. Don't get me wrong...I have a good job and make a good salary but it's not what God promised and it's not what I really really want. I keep praying to get to the next level and I can't seem to get past the last one. Title-wise...I've taken a step back while salary-wise I'm ahead...strange conundrum. I should be happy right. I'm making more money than I ever have before but when I see the people who are my peers getting promotions and people telling me that titles don't matter...I just get so mad. Mad at myself and mad at God because I just don't get what He wants from me. What do I have to do? Am I asking the wrong questions? If God speaks and I'm listening why are things still the same? Right now, I'm holding on to my faith by the skin of my being. How long is too long to believe? I'm not Job...or Rachel or even Martha. I'm not aiming for Sainthood and I don't claim to want more than God wants me to want. He says that Abundance is mine but each time I turn the answer to my prayer seems to be "no". No to love...no to career...no to security...no to family. I'm so lost and yet I still believe. I wish I knew why? I wish I knew how to make things different. I've been on my knees, on my stomach and on my back. I've cried, held on, let go and let God. I've believed when I didn't know I could believe and more times than I can count I've felt like a fool but still believed. What does God want? How can I continue to expect and believe? Faith is the evidence of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen...does faith mean foolish? I truly hope not.

Does God Care About Our Obedience

I don't get it. Yesterday I heard that the man I report to at work, indirectly since he is my director's boss, is leaving. Now this is a good thing because he is and has been an absolutely lousy boss. He is insensitive, self-involved, arbitrary and disengaged from the department. In almost two years in his role as VP, he does not have a single real accomplishment that he can point to that says he has moved our department forward and in the process he hurt a lot of people. Does this sound harsh? Probably but it's still the truth. So here's this guy who did less than nothing in his time as our SVP and what does God allow to happen? Does the truth get revealed and he gets canned? Does he get shown out the door with his tail between his legs? No...he gets a better job at another company with a bigger title and probably a bigger salary. Now this man is a Christian and I'm sure he loves his wife and children. He may be a great friend and a devout believer. But still he was a lousy boss and a drain professionally so why does God reward him in the areas where he seems to... no did cause so much pain? So maybe God rewards us not for our obedience in every area of our lives, maybe he doesn't care about how we're obedient, just that we are. Maybe He doesn't segment our behaviours and draws no distinction between our sins and our saintliness. If this is true then I can be a jerk to my employees and a blessing to my family and God will still reward me in one or the other at His will. What is the incentive to be good to everyone? What is the incentive to be and act true to what I profess I believe? What I do believe? His ways are not our ways. That's what the Bible says and it must be true because everything I think I understand about God changes when events like this one with the SVP occur. I want justice for injustice and God uses His own scale. He uses different weights and different measures so how can I judge. I don't understand the balance that He seeks.

Prayer

I started off this morning with a prayer for those I love. I'm sure that around the world, millions upon millions of other people did the same. Some of us prayed to Christ, some to Allah but regardless we united in prayer for those we love. Some of our prayers will be answered in the positive and those we love will come through today, safe, sound and secure. But for some of us, our love ones will not see the end of the day. They will die in war, in accidents, of old age or of sickness. Does this mean that God has abandoned us? Does it mean that He doesn't answer prayers because the answer isn't what we want? I don't know. I know there have been plenty of times when it seems that my prayers have gone unanswered. But still I pray...I call out to a God who sometimes seems indifferent to my pain, my sadness and my need. It doesn't make sense but still I pray and it comes down to faith.
Faith is believing without evidence and if we didn't call it religious faith, people would chalk it up to some type of mental illness. But I'm not trying to justify faith...it doesn't need to be justified by me and besides no one who doesn't want to believe can be made to. So if I call it faith and you call it luck the truth is that in some small or perhaps even big way we believe that something helps us get through life. Does my way work better than yours? For me, yes but for you probably no. That's the good thing about it...it only has to work for each of us. Gotta run...already late getting up for work.

Fear

I don't really talk about my fears. I don't think any of us really feels comfortable letting other people know what scares us. But how can you live in America today and not know about fear. I worry about my family and my friends. I watch the news and fear for the world. Big and little until sometimes I feel as if I am drowning in a paralysis defined by what scares me more so that what makes me happy and safe. But no more. I don't know how many more days I'll have on this planet and I don't want to have been silent because I was afraid to be loud.
I saw my name in a magazine today. Something I wrote, printed for all the world to see and I felt...good. I was giddy for a moment because here was something that would go on at least for a little while. But how do I keep it going? I'm not Britney, Madonna or Beyonce and truth be told I wouldn't want to be. I want to be heard...to be seen...to be known. But would I really want to have my every move chronicled, dissected and dismissed because it thrills the mean-spirited crowd to tear down yet another idol rather than deal with their own lives. No thanks. But do I want to be recognized for my work...whether creative or merely routine? Do I want to be rewarded for giving my best? You betcha. Don't you? What is it about the contradiction of fear that says what I want most is often what I am most afraid of getting? I wish I knew. One thing I do know is that I have decided to not let fear rule my actions any longer. I refuse to self-censure to the point of inaction. So if I've rambled on today...oh well...at least I said something.

She's back

After a nearly two year hiatus, I've decided to pick up my blog. Why? Probably because the world seems even more lacking in common sense now than it did then. So how do I impact that? How does yet another blog in a world full of blogs do anything other than add to the noise? I have no idea but at least it will be an outlet for me to speak about the things that are important without bending the ears of my family and friends with yet another political diatribe. They hear enough from me.

But I am writing about so much more than just politics...common sense or the lack thereof is all around us today. But for today I'm focused on politics and Common Sense.

Someone recently told me that "Common sense isn't common". Can we all just say amen! Look around and ask yourself the last time you saw someone in politics display real, genuine common sense. Someone who saw the problem and solved it without first worrying about their party, their re-election campaign, their poll numbers. Someone who said, let me do what's right for the country. Sometimes I wonder if anyone in politics even thinks about the country or the people anymore.

I can find plenty of examples of politicians without a lick of sense...just watch CNN, MSNBC or my personal favorite for "no sense at all" on full display at all times, FOXNews. But the observation isn't just limited to politicians...look at the reporters too. Diane Sawyer interviews new presidential candidate Fred Thompson and doesn't hit back when he doesn't answer a single question. Okay I'm rambling a bit but finding examples of common sense in the media are rarer than finding a truthful answer in the Bush Administration. I mean think about it...for most Americans the media is our voice of common sense. We expect them to ask the questions we can't ask because they are the ones with access. But aside from Keith Olbermann, who may just well be the savior of common sense in the newsroom and he's not even a journalist, I think that most reporters have checked their brains and their common sense at the door. Take for example, the coverage of the Alberto Gonzales mess. Here's a man who didn't have a law license, who no one had any confidence in but who still got confirmed as Attorney General. Here's a man who gave new meaning to hitting the glass ceiling of incompetence and still got to be the top Cop, confirmed by a Senate full of allegedly smart people. For almost two years, the media at large, the supposedly liberal media, gave this guy a pass as he ran roughshod over civil liberties and the Constitution. Now that he's been forced out of office, they are patting themselves on the back for getting on the story. Hello...you missed the story. Alberto was never the story...the lose of civil liberties, the expansion of presidential powers, the torture of prisoners, the desecration of the Constitution was the story. And they all missed it! And saddest of all...they still don't realize it and neither does the majority of America.