Fear

I don't really talk about my fears. I don't think any of us really feels comfortable letting other people know what scares us. But how can you live in America today and not know about fear. I worry about my family and my friends. I watch the news and fear for the world. Big and little until sometimes I feel as if I am drowning in a paralysis defined by what scares me more so that what makes me happy and safe. But no more. I don't know how many more days I'll have on this planet and I don't want to have been silent because I was afraid to be loud.
I saw my name in a magazine today. Something I wrote, printed for all the world to see and I felt...good. I was giddy for a moment because here was something that would go on at least for a little while. But how do I keep it going? I'm not Britney, Madonna or Beyonce and truth be told I wouldn't want to be. I want to be heard...to be seen...to be known. But would I really want to have my every move chronicled, dissected and dismissed because it thrills the mean-spirited crowd to tear down yet another idol rather than deal with their own lives. No thanks. But do I want to be recognized for my work...whether creative or merely routine? Do I want to be rewarded for giving my best? You betcha. Don't you? What is it about the contradiction of fear that says what I want most is often what I am most afraid of getting? I wish I knew. One thing I do know is that I have decided to not let fear rule my actions any longer. I refuse to self-censure to the point of inaction. So if I've rambled on today...oh well...at least I said something.